"The better we understand our thoughts, the better we can choose which ones deserve our attention.”
Whitney Houston called it the greatest love of all. Modern psychology hails it as the foundation for well-being and it has become a much discussed buzzword. Self-love. The concept is simple - regard yourself and your happiness as much as you love others.
Consider the attention, nurturing and acceptance we offer when caring for an infant. Giving ourselves that same loving kindness, structure and acceptance regularly is good self-care. And rather than being selfish, it is essential to living our best life for ourselves and others in a sustainable fashion.
Melissa Garner, a Cantonment mental health counselor who works with adult women at her business, Self-Haven, explains that loving ourselves well is a gift to those around us. "Self-love is important because it helps people function at their best, which benefits everything and everyone around them," Garner explained. "When we take care of ourselves, we are less likely to project our own insecurities and hurts onto others. Self-love helps us take control of our lives and let go of trying to control everything else. Self-love helps us to care and connect with those around us more deeply and add value to others' lives and the world."
Interestingly, how we treat ourselves is often mirrored in how we treat those closest to us. So instead of behaving lovingly to win approval, we ideally offer love to ourselves and others because we know it is the best climate for everyone.
WHAT SELF-LOVE IS NOT
Self-love skeptics may consider it a mark of a self-absorbed jerk. Yet the person who loves herself least often projects her self-disgust onto those around her. Instead, loving oneself well results in the strength to overflow into others’ lives much like the airplane oxygen mask analogy.
"You awaken to your own perfection through your desire to see the perfection in someone else," wrote Marianne Williamson in "A Return to Love."
"Self-love is not synonymous with narcissism or arrogance," said Garner. "Narcissism is the belief that one is inherently more important or worthy than others, and arrogance is the act of pacifying a fragile ego that tends to be dependent on the approval, respect or attention of others."
Rather than encouraging divisiveness, true self-love promotes unity. We can offer someone else the compassion and grace we offer ourselves - once we learn how to do that. And self-love is not selfish. We can sacrifice for others when the time is right, understanding that we will refill our tanks when needed.
WHY SHOULD I CULTIVATE SELF-LOVE?
While it may feel counterintuitive for perfectionists, self-love will benefit everyone in their circle of influence - including themselves!
It is often those who try the hardest who need self-love the most. They are their own worst critics when they fall short of very high - even impossible - standards. And often those are standards they'd never impose on someone else. So those people - sometimes called perfectionists - need to incorporate a big dose of self-love into their lives, remembering that it will feel unnatural.
In addition to being happier, they will be mentally as well is physically healthier. "A shorter lifespan, irritable bowel syndrome, fibromyalgia, eating disorders, depression and suicidal
tendencies have been linked with perfectionism," reported medicalnewstoday.com. They go on to report that recovering from heart disease and cancer are even harder for perfectionists. People with more self-compassion are also more resilient in the face of failure, embarrassment, trauma and romantic separation.
HOW DO I LOVE MYSELF?
Self-love is not just about taking time for a massage or pedicure. It is about truly loving yourself and having compassion for yourself. According to Psychology Today, it is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth."
CULTIVATE SELF-AWARENESS
Meditation, part of a regular spiritual or yoga practice, builds self-awareness. "The better we understand our thoughts, the better we can choose which ones deserve our attention. This doesn't mean the unhelpful thoughts will vanish, it means we have the ability to focus on the productive ones instead. With practice, unproductive thoughts become recognizable and more easily categorized as background noise, reducing compulsive or destructive behavior. With more control over our thinking, we are better able to choose wise responses," explained Garner.
SELF-TALK
Once you've learned how to recognize thoughts, you're equipped to decide if your inner voice is your friend or foe. Is your inner voice a fair judge of right and wrong behavior, like a trusted friend? Or more like an abusive voice from the past or from a frustrating, current toxic situation?
If it's the latter, label these thoughts as negative influences, then answer them. For example, if your inner bully tells you you're lazy, respond confidently with all of the things you've accomplished in the past week. Then realize that you may have a tendency to sabotage yourself with laziness, for example, if that's the criticism you received as a child. Once this awareness and response is in place, you have a path to healing.
If a bully was unfairly criticizing a beloved child or adult friend, you would surely speak up with the truth. So stand up for yourself!
SELF-CARE
"Self-love is about finding the balance between giving and receiving. It is the practice of making room for oneself, to take time to reflect, tend to one's needs and consider one's own beliefs, opinions and needs. Self-love is the practice of nurturing the relationship we have with ourselves." Garner said.
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
Well-defined boundaries determine what comes into and stays out of your life. "Setting boundaries is, in my opinion, one of the most important areas of self care. Saying no, setting limits and sharing responsibility is extremely important in managing one's resources explained Garner, adding that children who see their parents caring for themselves well are most likely to grow up to do the same.
In some situations when resolution can't be achieved, distance - temporary or permanent - may be best for everyone involved. Trying to take care of oneself in a toxic environment can feel like showering in mud, or a hamster running on a wheel. Despite the effort, we make very little progress in unhealthy environments. Creating distance from unhealthy environments can be a process involving grief, so be sure to supplement with lots of support from yourself and others," Garner said.
GROWTH
Stepping out of one's comfort zone is the best way to build confidence. There are healthy discomforts - learning a new skill, interviewing for a job, saying no, starting a new exercise routine, and there are toxic discomforts - burn-out, hangovers, losing one's temper, staying stagnant for too long. Healthy discomforts help us grow, and toxic discomforts cause damage over time,' Garner explained. So choose self-love when striving for a loving life.
"Self-love is cultivated by taking care of oneself the way you would take care of someone you truly love and respect," said Garner. "The better you treat yourself, the better you will feel about yourself. We live with ourselves 24/7, so we might as well get along with ourselves!"
by Allison McCrory with Pensacola News Journal Bella Magazine